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It finally happened! He asked you to marry him! You’re probably feeling excited and a little overwhelmed.

For many young women like you, today is the day you’ve dreamed of for a lifetime. All your life you’ve been told that some day someone special will ask you to marry him and that day will be the beginning of a whole new life together. You were probably told that you would get married and build a home and have children and raise a family and eventually grow old together. How very lovely it all sounds! 

It is all very lovely when things are right, but there is one important issue you should consider before you make wedding plans. You need to be very sure that this man is really the right one for you. Do you really want to raise a family and grow old with this person? 

I’m sure you’ve heard about the high divorce rate. You obviously don’t want your marriage to go that direction. In my work as a marriage counselor, I deal with marriage and divorce every day. Too often I deal with people who got married too quickly and didn’t realize the long-term consequences of that choice. Because of this, I want you to ask yourself some very important questions. 

Remember that this decision will affect the rest of your life. If you do some real soul searching, these questions will help you determine whether this man is the right person for you or whether you need to look elsewhere.

1. Do your eyes light up when you see him? When you're really honest with yourself, does your deepest gut feeling say "He's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with?"  When you think of not having him in your life, how do you feel?

2. Do you truly love being with him and spending time with him? Remember that if he's difficult to be with before the marriage, you can bet that he'll be more difficult afterwards!

3. Does he exhibit honesty and integrity in his dealings with you or with other people? Is he genuinely an honest, good-hearted person? If he doesn't have honesty and integrity now, don't expect him to develop it after your wedding! 

4. Does your partner know how to discuss his feelings? What happens if one of you gets upset about something? Can the two of you talk about being sad or hurt or angry without attacking each other? 

5. Is your partner a person who’s willing to take responsibility for his own issues and willing to do some personal growth when it’s necessary? If he does something that hurts you, does he apologize? Does he tell you how he’s going to work on his personal issues so that they don’t come up over and over again? 

6. Have you discussed the major important issues with each other?  For example, have you discussed whether you want to have children, how you will handle joint money and finances, who does the household chores, where you will spend holidays (his parents or yours) or how often you expect to have sexual intimacy after the wedding?
 
7. Are you able to reach win/win conflict resolution in areas where you disagree? When there is a disagreement, how do you resolve conflict? Have you talked about seeking couple’s counseling if there are areas you don’t agree on? 

If you’re starting to have second thoughts,
here are a few more crucial questions for you to consider:

 8. Do you find yourself giving more than your partner does in the relationship? For example, do you give him more time, or more money, or do you comply more to his wishes in a conflict than he does yours?

9. Does it feel like you love him more than he loves you? Do you find yourself always trying to prove your value to him? Are you competing with other people or activities that seem more important to him than you?

10. Are there red flags you try to avoid facing about your partner? For example, does he always have to win an argument? Does he find a way to get out of the agreements he has made with you, instead of keeping his word? Are there times when he is gone for long periods of time that you begin to wonder where he really is or who he’s with? 

The time to think about your marriage is before the wedding date, not afterwards! 

If these questions bring up second thoughts about setting a wedding date, you may want to make an appointment with a good marriage counselor and talk it over with someone who’s objective and has some long-term experience with marriage issues. It’s much better to face the truth before the wedding date than it is to tear apart children and a family that has already been established, a home that you’ve both created and a life that was your dream!  

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